If you become...

Pastor Bil (and thus, I believe, God) often remarks that over time, I will become like the people with whom I spend the most time. In my old stompin' grounds, this was great. I was surrounded by women of strength, by faithful women who weren't fearful of sharing their love of Jesus. This is the woman I wanted to be. So I stepped out. I did what wasn't normal for me until it was normal. And you know what? I loved it. I loved who I was. I felt like my deepening love for God allowed me to shine from within, allowed His light to shine through my body. Now, please don't get me wrong: I had many, many tremendously difficult days, where His strength was all I had to get through. But the majority of the time, I was thankful for His plans, for His will, and for His blessings.

So now that my close friends, linerally-speaking (I don't know if those words work that way, but I'm using them... :) ), don't share the open and obvious love for Jesus, I'm struggling. It's on some levels a fear that they might be put off by who I am and what I'm about. Oh, I am so struggling with that whole acceptance thing. I know, I know. He loves me for me, not because I'm... whatever I think I should be. He loves me because He says He does, regardless of the silliness I decide to engage in. Thank God for that!

Well, I'm working on the struggle for acceptance. It's a lifelong thing, so it's going to take a while. As Daphne, (and thus, God) let me know, it's a process. I'm also working on a level of transparency. I think it's important to show I am a Christian who struggles daily, and I often think I can do a better job than He can. Yep. How's that for transparency? I know I'm wrong. I know that on my best day, His greatness overshadows me like Mt. Everest does an anthill. It doesn't stop me, however, from thinking that I can do this. To show that like every other broken person, I am still working through all the mess I've made, and keep making.

But back to the main idea here... so, if I become more like the people I spend the most time with, how do I stay the person I want to be? More importantly, the woman I think God wants me to be? The woman He knows I can be, and already am, and will always be? I want to be confident in His love for me, and not consumed with ideas of inferiority and guilt. I want to be a reflection of His loving spirit and generosity. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to do these things. I know He'll show me when His time is right. And I'm praying for His grace to sustain me while I wait.

So I'm going to start trying another Pastor Bil (and thus, a God-inspired) trick: doing what doesn't feel normal right now, until it does. I'm going to start talking like I did before, where I give my God the credit He's due for the blessings He's given me. And I'm going to start reading like I did before, refreshing myself through His word and encouragement. And, since I'm sharing this, I'm using another Pastor Bil (and you guessed it, God inspired) trick: holding myself accountable by sharing my stuff with other people. So here's my stuff. Can you make sure I'm keeping up? I know He will.