While I was getting ready one morning, my little SohlGal sat at my feet, playing. Suddenly, she lunged forward, reaching for something. She protested loudly, and lunged again. Watching her, I realized what had her undivided attention: the shadow of my hair dryer cord. This shadow had her mesmerized. She wanted it, and was working out anyway she could to get it. My gut reaction was to point out to her how the shadow worked, but listening to that voice in my head, I waited and watched her.
I started thinking about her, entertained by the shadow of something else. It made me wonder if God does that with me. I get fixated on something, working tirelessly to grasp it. I protest when I can't immediately reach it; I try any way I can think of to reach something I think I need or want. This observation made me wonder if I'm just lunging at the shadows of what God has for me. He just steps back for a bit, waiting for me to ask for His guidance, waiting for me to seek His will. He wants to teach me, show me His amazing plans once I'm willing to be a follower, and relinquish that control I never really had in the first place.
Shadows. They're tricky. Sometimes it's so bright outside, I seek them to protect myself. It reminds me of that quote from Akeelah and the Bee, originally written by Maryanne Williamson.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
So I'm trying to step out of the shadows, stop grasping at the shadows of the things God has for me.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Stuff I miss...
Here are some random things I miss, for varying but differing reasons I may or may not choose to share.
1. My Grandparents... Love you two so much. Thank you for the red carpet, the hugs, the openness, and the perfect definition of a grandparent.
2. Smarties lollipops - they always used to sit on the top shelf in my G-pa's office. I was able to find some after his death in July, and they've been a great connection.
3. School House Rock on TV. It's Schoolhouse Rocky, that chip off the block, of your favorite school house, SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK!
4. The song that must have played in background of my first three years of college over and over and over, If I Had a Million Dollars. Haven't YOU always wanted a monkey? Nothing cooler than eight dozen people listening to this song while waiting for CAB Bingo night, and yelling that at the same time.
5. The ridiculous, insulting, juvenile computer game that I absolutely could not play enough of... You Don't Know Jack! I could so easily be sucked right back into Cookie's domain.
6. Fall parties and spring formals. I love the inventive costumes fall party always revealed, and the nervous excitment and sight of my beautiful sisters filing into a ballroom and singing the table grace in their evening gowns.
7. Sisterhood week, that emotional, high-stress, insane week that started off my last two years of college. I love the way that all the stress over snack food, furniture arrangement, conversation practice, and "poop sheets" melded into sweet rewards at the end of recruitment.
8. Carnival Sensation and Carnival Liberty. Awww, sweet relaxation.
9. The orchards where David and I took a hay ride through the apple orchard to the pumpkin patch to pick our 1st pumpkins as a married couple. Then we had homemade apple cider and apple pie. Fresh, fresh apple cider with real cinnamon... in our sweatshirts and jeans. Crunching leavings and ripe apples.
10. Fall - beautiful leaves everywhere, spending Saturday afternoon in sweatshirts, jeans, hats, and gloves at the football game. The scarecrows, indian corn, gourds, hay bales... all of it.
11. Little babies. I mean that baby that is so little you've got to support it's head or it looks like it might just fall off.
12. The pool. I love to hang out in the water all day without worrying about what might crawl across my legs or sting my kids or me. I love the beach, it's beautiful; it's just sometimes I like to be in the water, not think about what's there with me. Chlorine can be my friend.
13. Christmas season. I love how everything's decorated. The little unique stores have those emotionally-tied smells emanating from inside, luring me to linger just long enough to find that perfect treasure.
14. HUGE family gatherings at my G-parents.
15. The math and science shows that used to be on PBS; OH! And, She-Ra, Smurfs, Snorks. The Rainbo Bright show, Punky Brewster. Silver Spoon.
16. Mr. Wizard.
17. Solo contest. I loved-hated that feeling of waiting for my turn to perform, then bashing the performance the whole time until my rating was posted. I always ate slice or two of pizza and drank more soda that 1 day than I had in the months leading up to the solo contest.
18. My Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson tapes. And my mixed tape my friend made that she taped off the radio for me.
19. My totally ripped thigh muscles from riding my bike all over the hilly town where I lived in middle school.
20. Sleepovers. Bra freezes. So much bad food I might be hospitalized if I were to try it now. Prank calls that made me blush horribly, even the Monday after the sleep over.
What do you miss?
1. My Grandparents... Love you two so much. Thank you for the red carpet, the hugs, the openness, and the perfect definition of a grandparent.
2. Smarties lollipops - they always used to sit on the top shelf in my G-pa's office. I was able to find some after his death in July, and they've been a great connection.
3. School House Rock on TV. It's Schoolhouse Rocky, that chip off the block, of your favorite school house, SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK!
4. The song that must have played in background of my first three years of college over and over and over, If I Had a Million Dollars. Haven't YOU always wanted a monkey? Nothing cooler than eight dozen people listening to this song while waiting for CAB Bingo night, and yelling that at the same time.
5. The ridiculous, insulting, juvenile computer game that I absolutely could not play enough of... You Don't Know Jack! I could so easily be sucked right back into Cookie's domain.
6. Fall parties and spring formals. I love the inventive costumes fall party always revealed, and the nervous excitment and sight of my beautiful sisters filing into a ballroom and singing the table grace in their evening gowns.
7. Sisterhood week, that emotional, high-stress, insane week that started off my last two years of college. I love the way that all the stress over snack food, furniture arrangement, conversation practice, and "poop sheets" melded into sweet rewards at the end of recruitment.
8. Carnival Sensation and Carnival Liberty. Awww, sweet relaxation.
9. The orchards where David and I took a hay ride through the apple orchard to the pumpkin patch to pick our 1st pumpkins as a married couple. Then we had homemade apple cider and apple pie. Fresh, fresh apple cider with real cinnamon... in our sweatshirts and jeans. Crunching leavings and ripe apples.
10. Fall - beautiful leaves everywhere, spending Saturday afternoon in sweatshirts, jeans, hats, and gloves at the football game. The scarecrows, indian corn, gourds, hay bales... all of it.
11. Little babies. I mean that baby that is so little you've got to support it's head or it looks like it might just fall off.
12. The pool. I love to hang out in the water all day without worrying about what might crawl across my legs or sting my kids or me. I love the beach, it's beautiful; it's just sometimes I like to be in the water, not think about what's there with me. Chlorine can be my friend.
13. Christmas season. I love how everything's decorated. The little unique stores have those emotionally-tied smells emanating from inside, luring me to linger just long enough to find that perfect treasure.
14. HUGE family gatherings at my G-parents.
15. The math and science shows that used to be on PBS; OH! And, She-Ra, Smurfs, Snorks. The Rainbo Bright show, Punky Brewster. Silver Spoon.
16. Mr. Wizard.
17. Solo contest. I loved-hated that feeling of waiting for my turn to perform, then bashing the performance the whole time until my rating was posted. I always ate slice or two of pizza and drank more soda that 1 day than I had in the months leading up to the solo contest.
18. My Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson tapes. And my mixed tape my friend made that she taped off the radio for me.
19. My totally ripped thigh muscles from riding my bike all over the hilly town where I lived in middle school.
20. Sleepovers. Bra freezes. So much bad food I might be hospitalized if I were to try it now. Prank calls that made me blush horribly, even the Monday after the sleep over.
What do you miss?
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
October goals...
My friend, Annie, has inspired me. She blogged last month about her goals, and then at the end of the month updated on her progress towards those goals. So I'm going to write mine.
Whoa. I just starting thinking about my areas for improvement, and this is asking me to totally be vulnerable. Yikes. So be easy on me, okay??
1. Walk 2 miles 15 days this month.
2. Eat breakfast 25 days this month.
3. Drink 32 oz. of water 20 days this month (this is a LOT of water for me).
4. Eat fast food less than 4 times this month (also a huge thing for me).
5. Make myself heard without raising my voice 20 days this month.
6. Find one new thing I'm proud of in my life all 31 days, and write it down in my binder.
7. Watch 10 football games with David.
8. Spend 15 hours alone with Carter.
9. Go on 4 kid-free dates with David.
10. Learn ten new scriptures, passage and verse.
11. Learn, describe, and relate four parables to my current situation.
12. Have one girls night with my homegals.
13. Have dinner with friends 3 nights.
14. Pray out loud with 4 different people.
15. Make 15 homecooked, from scratch meals.
Ok. I think that's good. So I'll let you know how this goes.
Whoa. I just starting thinking about my areas for improvement, and this is asking me to totally be vulnerable. Yikes. So be easy on me, okay??
1. Walk 2 miles 15 days this month.
2. Eat breakfast 25 days this month.
3. Drink 32 oz. of water 20 days this month (this is a LOT of water for me).
4. Eat fast food less than 4 times this month (also a huge thing for me).
5. Make myself heard without raising my voice 20 days this month.
6. Find one new thing I'm proud of in my life all 31 days, and write it down in my binder.
7. Watch 10 football games with David.
8. Spend 15 hours alone with Carter.
9. Go on 4 kid-free dates with David.
10. Learn ten new scriptures, passage and verse.
11. Learn, describe, and relate four parables to my current situation.
12. Have one girls night with my homegals.
13. Have dinner with friends 3 nights.
14. Pray out loud with 4 different people.
15. Make 15 homecooked, from scratch meals.
Ok. I think that's good. So I'll let you know how this goes.
Them's fightin' words...
I really feel as if I'm under attack right now. I'm fighting it hard, but it seems like I'm continually finding reasons to be upset, things to stew about. Which itself upsets me, because I want to be happy, easy going, and fun. And try as I do, it seems that each time I decide this, another little chunk of grumpiness is thrown my way.
But I'm determined to fight back. En garde! I'll start here, with my encouraging word for today. "The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives," Psalm 37:23. If God's delighting in my details, what business do I have moaning and groaning about what I see; about my temporary, fleeting circumstances? He's excited, delighted in fact, about where I am, because He knows where I'm going. It seems it's time for me to put up or... well you can see where this is going. If I say I have faith in Him, and that I have faith that He has a plan for me, and if I believe what He says here about what He does for His children, how all my mistakes are forgotten, I'm innocent, that He loves me, then it's time to show it.
My trials, my valleys, are my chance to demonstrate my faith in and my love for God. The Bible never said it would all be easy, simple. In 1 Peter 5:6-10, Simon Peter tells that I should be humble, admitting that I'm struggling, that I've messed up. Tell Him everything I'm fearful of, everything I have concerns about because if I don't, there are always temptations just around the corner. Those little enticements, waiting to prey upon my tiniest insecurities, my vulnerabilities, my fears. If I tell God, though, how and where I'm struggling, it's like I've preempted that temptation, that enticement. He wants to reward my efforts, supporting me that extra bit I need to move past that indescretion, that black mark. He'll help me fight back. He wants to patch me up, arm me with the right tools to step back into the ring and give that lure a good TKO punch. And if necessary, have me tag Him into the ring, and really take care of serious bees-ness.
He wants me to know that the things I experience aren't unique, aren't obscure, aren't isolating. Many others are struggling with the same temptations, the same lures, the same thoughts. Those thoughts of isolation, uniqueness, and ultimately unlovability (is that a real word?!?) are enticement from another, lesser source, trying to pull me from God's love and His warm embrace. I am loved, through my trials and inspite of my mistakes, and that fear planted by other sources is nothing in comparison to His loving grace and compassion. He won't save me from the consequences of my indescretions, but He'll lovingly restore me after it, helping me to learn from my decisions, and drawing me closer to Him.
So I'm getting ready to fight. I'm training hard, learning the words to say in response to that voice that tells me I can't..., I shouldn't..., I don't.... Them's fightin' words, and I'm fightin' back. En garde!
But I'm determined to fight back. En garde! I'll start here, with my encouraging word for today. "The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives," Psalm 37:23. If God's delighting in my details, what business do I have moaning and groaning about what I see; about my temporary, fleeting circumstances? He's excited, delighted in fact, about where I am, because He knows where I'm going. It seems it's time for me to put up or... well you can see where this is going. If I say I have faith in Him, and that I have faith that He has a plan for me, and if I believe what He says here about what He does for His children, how all my mistakes are forgotten, I'm innocent, that He loves me, then it's time to show it.
My trials, my valleys, are my chance to demonstrate my faith in and my love for God. The Bible never said it would all be easy, simple. In 1 Peter 5:6-10, Simon Peter tells that I should be humble, admitting that I'm struggling, that I've messed up. Tell Him everything I'm fearful of, everything I have concerns about because if I don't, there are always temptations just around the corner. Those little enticements, waiting to prey upon my tiniest insecurities, my vulnerabilities, my fears. If I tell God, though, how and where I'm struggling, it's like I've preempted that temptation, that enticement. He wants to reward my efforts, supporting me that extra bit I need to move past that indescretion, that black mark. He'll help me fight back. He wants to patch me up, arm me with the right tools to step back into the ring and give that lure a good TKO punch. And if necessary, have me tag Him into the ring, and really take care of serious bees-ness.
He wants me to know that the things I experience aren't unique, aren't obscure, aren't isolating. Many others are struggling with the same temptations, the same lures, the same thoughts. Those thoughts of isolation, uniqueness, and ultimately unlovability (is that a real word?!?) are enticement from another, lesser source, trying to pull me from God's love and His warm embrace. I am loved, through my trials and inspite of my mistakes, and that fear planted by other sources is nothing in comparison to His loving grace and compassion. He won't save me from the consequences of my indescretions, but He'll lovingly restore me after it, helping me to learn from my decisions, and drawing me closer to Him.
So I'm getting ready to fight. I'm training hard, learning the words to say in response to that voice that tells me I can't..., I shouldn't..., I don't.... Them's fightin' words, and I'm fightin' back. En garde!
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