Me, re-defined?

It's interesting. Not having grown up geographically close to my extended family, I was always known as Janel. No one's sister, no one's daughter, or niece, or granddaughter. I wasn't anyone's second cousin, no one usually knew both me and my parents. So this will be unfamiliar territory to those of you who didn't have similar childhoods, or weren't the oldest (so I'd guess, anyway).

When I got married, I expected a name change. I expected to be referred to as someone's wife, someone's significant other. I was looking forward to having a shorter, more familiar-sounding name. I was excited about the degree of anonymity it would bring. No one knew this new name. This was a new person. Me, redefined. Me, with a clean slate, an umblemished past, and an open future.

I wanted this new person to have a new personality. I would be upbeat, easy-going, and fun. I'd be light-hearted, personable, and hospitable. Above all, I'd be trustworthy, dependable, and giving. And with some major exceptions I've been this person.

When I started teaching, I was again redefined. Mrs. Sohl was to be fun, exciting, challenging, and understanding. But still, trustworthy, dependable, and giving. I was ready for this redefintion, too, and welcomed my students with my new focus. Better yet, each year I had a new chance to be that woman I'd defined as "perfect."

The redefinition I wasn't expecting came after my Sohl-son left my home for periods of time. He had friends at school or at day care, and I was redefined as, "Carter's mom." I hadn't planned for this woman, for this version of myself. Who was this person? What should her expectations be? How should she act? What kind of mother would she be? Could I be that perfect mom? The calm, patient, home-cooked meal mom. The one who made cute montly scrapbooks, who planned weekly playdates with homemade cookies and playdough? The one who knew all her kids' friends and was friends with their moms?

I've been this woman for over three and a half years now. So have I become my definition of a "perfect mom"? On some levels, yes. I've had the playdates, made the playdough, and done the home-cooked thing. I'm growing, I'm learning, but I'll the first to say that God's still teaching me patience and calmness. That fruit of the spirit is a learned trait when it comes to my mom-ing.

On other levels, no. I'm still the person I've always been. If I'm fair with myself, I've always been personable, trustworthy, and dependable. Though I wanted to get rid of what I viewed as blemishes are the things that have taught me, grown me, and shaped me into the woman I am. So, I'm not so focused on trying to redefine myself. I'm allowing myself to be who I am right now, and recognizing how God's changing me into who He's called me to be: Me.