Me, re-defined?

It's interesting. Not having grown up geographically close to my extended family, I was always known as Janel. No one's sister, no one's daughter, or niece, or granddaughter. I wasn't anyone's second cousin, no one usually knew both me and my parents. So this will be unfamiliar territory to those of you who didn't have similar childhoods, or weren't the oldest (so I'd guess, anyway).

When I got married, I expected a name change. I expected to be referred to as someone's wife, someone's significant other. I was looking forward to having a shorter, more familiar-sounding name. I was excited about the degree of anonymity it would bring. No one knew this new name. This was a new person. Me, redefined. Me, with a clean slate, an umblemished past, and an open future.

I wanted this new person to have a new personality. I would be upbeat, easy-going, and fun. I'd be light-hearted, personable, and hospitable. Above all, I'd be trustworthy, dependable, and giving. And with some major exceptions I've been this person.

When I started teaching, I was again redefined. Mrs. Sohl was to be fun, exciting, challenging, and understanding. But still, trustworthy, dependable, and giving. I was ready for this redefintion, too, and welcomed my students with my new focus. Better yet, each year I had a new chance to be that woman I'd defined as "perfect."

The redefinition I wasn't expecting came after my Sohl-son left my home for periods of time. He had friends at school or at day care, and I was redefined as, "Carter's mom." I hadn't planned for this woman, for this version of myself. Who was this person? What should her expectations be? How should she act? What kind of mother would she be? Could I be that perfect mom? The calm, patient, home-cooked meal mom. The one who made cute montly scrapbooks, who planned weekly playdates with homemade cookies and playdough? The one who knew all her kids' friends and was friends with their moms?

I've been this woman for over three and a half years now. So have I become my definition of a "perfect mom"? On some levels, yes. I've had the playdates, made the playdough, and done the home-cooked thing. I'm growing, I'm learning, but I'll the first to say that God's still teaching me patience and calmness. That fruit of the spirit is a learned trait when it comes to my mom-ing.

On other levels, no. I'm still the person I've always been. If I'm fair with myself, I've always been personable, trustworthy, and dependable. Though I wanted to get rid of what I viewed as blemishes are the things that have taught me, grown me, and shaped me into the woman I am. So, I'm not so focused on trying to redefine myself. I'm allowing myself to be who I am right now, and recognizing how God's changing me into who He's called me to be: Me.

I'm trying...

I'm trying. I AM. I'm beautiful, and I'm smart, and I'm capable. I'm talented. I'm a treasure.

I'm trying. I AM. I'm telling myself to find reasons to be joyful. I'm striving to give my frustrations, my concerns, my worries to God.

You know, it's like that skirt that looked so cute in the store, so I bought it, even though it was more than I wanted to spend, and brought it home for my own fashion show, even though it didn't really go with anything I already had, only to realize that it looks completely hideous. So I take it back.

I'm trying. But I find all these ridiculous reasons to be frustrated with myself or with my loved ones, to be worried about this or that thing that probably won't matter in a week or a month. While I'm walking God's path, there's an alternate bread-crumb trail satan's laid that the carb-aholic in me can't resist (he knows where I'm weak). So even though I know it's not where I want to spend my time, and I know that it doesn't go with what God has already told me about myself, I follow this trial of hideous "treats," which encourage me into self-doubt, sadness, and isolation.

But I'm trying not to. I don't want to this to myself, and to Him. I don't want to have this pity party. I don't want to have to turn around and find my way back to God's beautiful, warm, sunlit path. I didn't want to leave in the first place. I need a dustpan. Where's my broom? Who has a leaf blower I can borrow? I've got a path to clear, and I'm using the tools God's placed around me to keep myself on track.

I'm trying. I am. I'm trying to listen to that voice God's placed inside me, the one that says that I'm beautiful, capable, and smart. I'm a good mom, a good friend, and a good wife. I am His daughter, striving to be who He created me to be. And when necessary, I have to whip out my gas-powered leaf blower He's provided for me to clear the many forms of temptations from my path.

I'm trying. I AM.

It's a party!

Carter and Elaina threw a party. For themselves. YAY!

Waxing down their surfboards...

My little Sohl man Carter hosted a playdate with Ocker's Ocean's Ethan. They had a great time together today. Her Ocker's Ocean brought over two surfboards (pieces of scrap wood that the boys colored with crayons). Ethan finished waxing his (for a picture look at the end of the post). Carter... well, Ethan finished his.

The boys created a tent during the thunderstorm. They later created a larger tent, but I didn't get a picture. Shoot. :(

My Sohl gal enjoyed her morning snack.

The boys played the "Spinnish" game. Carter's accent is in need of some work.

For lunch, the boys made pizzas. Ethan chose an alfredo sauce with mostly cheese, and a few pepperonis. His technique was perfect, spreading the sauce and cheese evenly over the entire pizza himself. Carter selected the red sauce with cheese, olives, and pepperonis. He needed a little extra assistance with the topping spread. They both decided they wanted BIIIIG pieces.

Apple smiles. Ethan taught us to say apple, which Carter is modeling for you.

After lunch, the boys watched "Cars," and Ethan fell asleep next to his surfboard. When they woke up, we played in the sprinklers until his mom arrived. FUN FUN FUN!

Can't get enough J.K.R.??

Maybe there's a new opportunity!

I hope she continues to write, and does move into a new genre for an older audience. In all reality, the Potter series were as appealing and addictive to adults as they were to children. Her writing ablility definitely grew over the seven books, and though she probably did receive much more assistance and input on the last book than any of the first three, the difference in detail and length pique my interest in her latest writing endeavors.

And she's not the only writer I'm waiting on. (wink, wink... nudge, nudge... coughing... head shaking toward She-Da-Wagna) How's the Bible Study coming?